#17 - Parenting Challenges for Survivors of Abuse

When you are an adult survivor of abuse there are certain challenges in life that come from missing out on the important seeds that should have been planted in childhood.

Parenting is one particular hurdle for many survivors of abuse.

What do we use for role models?

Do we completely throw out everything we learned from an abusive adult?

Was there any value in anything learned from that abusive adult ?

Survivors may often find themselves becoming entrenched in one of two parenting traps:

1. Repeating abusive patterns learned in childhood,

-or-

2. In fear of becoming an abusive parent, some survivors become overly permissive and cater to the child's every whim.

I like to call these approaches throwing the baby out with the bath water.

In an effort to divest ourselves from our abusive history, we run the risk of forgetting healthy lessons that may have been learned in childhood.
As a therapist, I learned that people are not all one thing or another. Everyone is complex and made up of shades of grey.

Not a one of us is ever going to be the perfect parent.

That is the first thought you must give up on in order to work your way to healthy parenting.

You have to take the lessons given to you in childhood.

You probably know a lot about what NOT to do.

But, maybe there were some things that had value.

Like picking up seashells on the shoreline... take with you the few treasures your abusive parent(s) may have provided for you.

Maybe they instilled in you the love of the outdoors?

Maybe there was some creativity given to you?

Maybe there were quiet moments of peace in which there was a song or a laugh?

Hold those moments tight if you can and don't throw them out unless they are too painful for you to hold.

Many victims of abuse deal with the gathering of painful memories. For some it is too overwhelming and painful. For others... they just need to know and make sense out of the suffering.

For some survivors...

there comes a time in the healing when the pain has been divested of its powerful hold...

when the memories stop being reality...

and melt into nothing more than memories.

When you get that far along in the healing journey...

you may find the ability to recall happier moments in your childhood.

Harvest those moments to help you be the best parent you can be for your children's sake.

Unfortunately, raising children and healing from childhood abuse is complicated. Many abuse survivors do not even begin to deal with their painful histories until they become a parent.

Watching your child grow can throw you unwillingly back into memories of your own abuse as your child reaches the age(s) when you were harmed.

You are going to need help to stay the course and be the good parent you long to be.

Grab control by educating yourself.

Your child wasn't born with an owner's manual, and your parents probably didn't give you a lot to work with.

Here is an exceptional resource to help you get started:

NMHA MHIC Factsheet: Children's Mental Health-What Every Child Needs for GoodMental Health